Prioritizing Productivity
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There are always thoughts that continually get in the way of our lives. Be it a random worry or a meaningless argument with ourselves or someone else — there’s always something.
I, for one, have a lot of thoughts that constantly get in the way like many others. Sometimes it can be annoying, while other times I find it to be one of the good things about myself. I think I’ve learned to solve things much more independently now, and I’ve also learned to recognize when something is not worth dabbling about because of this.
I ask a lot of questions and enjoy expanding what I know whenever possible. I have conversations with other people, read a lot online, go to libraries, write a lot, etc.
One of the early cons of this was that my mind was always bombarded with too much. There were times when I would just be too exhausted because I didn’t understand my limitations. Nowadays, whenever I have random thoughts flowing around: I prefer to write about it, store it, and leave it alone unless I need it.
It’s helped me do a lot of the things of which I am now proud. But life isn’t perfect, and neither am I. It’s a process of adapting to new times and environments — and I’ll still learn how to do it.
Something common between everyone that I’ve met over the past few years is that there is always some kind of mental barrier attached to them.
A mental barrier that protects them from being judged or from being perceived differently than what they prefer.
These different mental barriers serve their own purpose: one for friends, one for new people, one for old people, one for family, one for everyone, there’s almost always a barrier.
Sometimes it’s subconscious, and other times it’s conscious. But I completely understand and it makes sense to do so sometimes. It helps people avoid problems with others, or even avoid unnecessary interactions or conversations. It also saves time and energy, so who wouldn’t want that.
In my situation, I feel the same as most people probably do: it’s only I that truly knows who I am. I’m the only one that gets to see the experience and gets to see my thoughts and dreams. I don’t share a lot, and I don’t show a lot. I think it’s a habit that I attained from trying to go unbothered throughout my school years. But I’ve been trying to change it. I’m trying to open up and be more honest with those that I care about.
But it still feels like I’m somehow trying too much to hide from others, and it’s exhausting. It’s as if for some dumb reason, I have to show a different-well-maintained version of myself. To every single person that I meet or that I know just to not make my life or their life any more complicated than it already is or isn’t.
There are always too many things to worry about. Too many things always going on all around, and too many things to keep up with in life. I have too many interests, too many goals, too much of everything, and so, I end up creating too many responsibilities for myself. But I’ve never liked to share any of it all with anyone else.
I tell myself that life is too short to waste doing nothing, to waste with small interactions, and so on.
I try to prioritize my time to also have moments of complete stillness throughout my days, like time for reading and writing, time to watch movies and shows, time to play games, etc. but things always manage to pile up. It’s much better now than it was back then, so that’s something good.
I moved to another country for my education, it’s been a balance of both of the worlds that you might imagine. It’s complicated and sometimes uncomplicated. But there are millions of tiny obstacles all the time that I have to confront in this new life that I’m accepting: language barriers, travel problems, housing appointments, food, bills, documents, offices, etc. Though, I’m getting more and more used to it.
I think it’s the only thing that I might actually be good at, adapting my mess into a somewhat organized mess and controlling the random variables of life that come together all the time.
Recently, I’ve been going on a lot of walks during the day. It helps me to think and relax after long days of reading. I get to see people of all walks of life just interacting with the various things around them. It helps me separate myself from the environment of classes and the constant workload.
There’s a river nearby that I like to go to. It’s quiet, there are people hanging out, dogs, bicycles, chats, love, sports, books, and all the others. Everyone in their own small moment. Just living and going.
It serves as a reminder to me that life isn’t as complicated as I make it out to be sometimes. That I can enjoy life and take a break whenever I feel like it. That things will never be what I imagine to be perfect, so maybe this can be my new perfect.
I wish I could go forward in time to ask myself if I’m doing things wrong or if I’m doing things right, but in retrospect, I’ll probably always wish that.
